I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
