I love black thongs
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
There r osticjed everywhere
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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