um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
