For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
