Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
