You really coming over, don't trick.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
