I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
