That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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