Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
