Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
