I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
