wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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