She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
