I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I need moral support for this bender
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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