So drunk its hurt
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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