just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
