It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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