I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
