I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
