This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
