I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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