he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
