my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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