I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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