i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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