I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
