my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
