We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
