My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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