It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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