Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
