this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
