dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
