So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Randomize
