Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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