3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
