I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
