So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
