You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
