Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
