You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
this hospital has no fireball
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
