I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I am one with the molecules
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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