Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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