they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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