Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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