i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
