All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
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A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
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Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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