i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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