Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
