i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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