Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
