soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
