im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
