I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
