I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
