I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.