At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
