Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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